The Making-of of Destruction
by Cheeva
Summary: It is still maddening how one word changed everything I had and destroyed everything I thought I wanted for life. AU, GrimmjowXNnoitra, maleXmale, hurt, violence. On hiatus.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi!**

**This is my first fanfic and it is thanks to honeyMellon I even got the idea of writing it. I hope it's to your liking, dear.**

**I know it's a slow and short starting but I felt I had to share this with you. It is most probably going to be just a few chapters long, nothing more than five but I still hope someone will enjoy reading it.**

**As for the rest:**

**I don't own Bleach, the characters mentioned or anything which could have any connection to Bleach or anything else.**

**Warnings: the rating is M for the whole story for language, maleXmale, anal, violence and possible rape! **

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

It is still maddening how one word changed everything I had and destroyed everything I thought I wanted for life.

I can not say he gave me everything.

I can not say he was the best thing which ever happened to me.

I can not say he was the love of my life.

I can not say he loved me.

I can not say he will watch over me.

But.

I can say he changed my life.

I can say he changed my thinking.

I can say he awakened my worst side.

I can say he did not love me.

I can say he taught me how not to love.

And.

I can say I would do it all over again.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

We met in a boring way, there was nothing special about it. He was sitting at the bar in a rundown pub. I was sitting at the same bar. Two men just in need for a drink after a hard day's work. At some point our eyes met in the mirror behind the bar. That is to say, my both eyes looked up into his visible dark eye. The left half of his face was hidden behind his long black hair. It was completely straight.

He put on one of the widest smiles I have ever seen in my entire life. And that does definitely mean something, since I thought I had the biggest mouth in the whole country. His smirk did nothing for me except aggravating me. But looking back at that time, I was angry at everything, I hated my boss, my job, my wife, my life but I did not dare to do anything about it. I was raised in the thinking that nobody is allowed to see your weaknesses. I was a lamb compared to the wild animal I am now, a kitten compared to the panther.

Time did not stop, I still heard the opening and closing of doors, the bar tender whistling softly out of tune and the news coming from the TV above the mirror. But his onyx eye captured me. I was not able to look away, seeing that smile on his face. It seemed like he was looking down on me, knowing exactly what I was going through and calling me a pussy for my incapability to do something against it. At least, that was what I portrayed into his look. It could have been different, but nonetheless, I leapt from my chair and towered over his sitting form. I am a huge bastard, 6'4'' is not reckoned to be small and my early mornings in the gym to work out my sexual frustrations helped me building up a lot of muscles. At that time, I already looked like the beast I became.

"What is your problem twiggy? Never seen something as beautiful as me?" Even though I was a coward regarding my life, I still had, as I said, one of the biggest mouthes I knew. And mouthing off, I did. But the guy just let his eye rake over my body in a way I was never looked at by a man. Somehow, I felt naked and more exposed than ever in my entire life. The intensity in which he leered at my lower body was maddening. His smile grew, if that was even possible. When his eye met mine again, he chuckled.

"Yeah, you're a sexy bitch. Do you want to work your steam off?" He stood while saying so and I felt emasculated. He towered over me, literally, around 6'8''. But as soon as I felt my male pride shrink, it came back full force. I was right calling him twiggy. He was thin as a stick, had dark circles under his eye and his skin looked pale, even blueish, and unhealthy. His arms wouldn't be able to throw anything anytime soon.

I puffed my chest and growled at him. Raking my eyes over his body and face again and again. He was not beautiful, not feminine, he was a _he_ to start off with. His face was long, he had small eyes, thin lips, high cheekbones and a thin nose. He had a light 5 o'clock shadow on his chin and cheeks, everything was screaming _I'm a man_ and not _take me_ or _help me_ which I preferred in a woman. He was everything I never thought wanting. He knew how he looked and he gave a damn about it, he must have sensed that I've never been with a men before and it did not matter to him. He was strong willed and looking at me as if I was his next prey. I hated it but my body started trembling and buzzing with a newly found excitement.

His eye danced with joy as if he knew exactly what my answer would be. Slowly, he let his tongue travel over his thin lips, moistening them. He let it slip out a bit more, I saw something silver glistening on it. He was pierced and seeing how thin and long his tongue actually was, made my blood stir in a completely different way. He winked at me and this last movement let my lounges deflate. He broke my will with just this small action and he broke it good.

I almost moaned the answer, knowing fully well what would happen between us if I left with him.

"Yes."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Once we left the pub, he stopped and turned around. He did not touch me and did not look at me. Instead, he shoved his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket which was definitely too cold for the time of the year and was humming softly. It was cute as cute can be for a guy of his size. The wind was playing softly with his hair but it was not strong enough to deter it from his left eye. So, still left with the view of only one eye, I stared at him and waited for him to say anything, to direct me, him, us somewhere. His smile was still in place when he turned his head to me as well. The light of the near by street lamp illuminated him from the back. He did not have a halo but his hair glowed as if it were black satin, long, smooth and velvety. I was mesmerised by the spark of light his hair reflected every once in a while the wind played with it. Everything else of him laid in the dark, gloomily concentrating on him, as if his hair was the last wall, the last spark of life.

"So, you're living around here?" It did not look as if he planned to invite me over to his house.

"No, do I look like I would be living here?" I let my gaze follow some of the rundown buildings on the other side of the street and grunted in detest. 'I only work around here.'

"Meaning, either my precious home or the backseat of your car?" He crooked his head to the side and regarded me as if I was a steak and he was starved. I began wondering if I really wanted that. A churning in my stomach followed his look. I felt uncomfortable, damn that, I felt like crap. Nervous, anxious and definitely not sure of myself or him to boot with. _You haven't even seen his whole face or heard his name and you want to fuck him? Stupid, run for your life and not wait around! _I knew this voice back than, it was the voice in my head keeping my from doing reasonable things like screwing around, shoving my foot in my bosses ass or kill my coworkers for their stupidity. Nowadays, the voice is gone, chocked by my confidence but back than I did not make the experiences I could look back on now.

"Tch, Idiot! Look at us, we would not fit into the backseat of any car." I really doubted that we would be able to move around and what else was there to his invitation as moving around. "Anyway, I'm out. It's too tiresome to stand around in the cold." I turned on the spot and made my way alongside the house wall to get to the parking lot in the back. Even before I reached the corner of the building, my arm was gripped and I was slammed into the wall. He was shoving me against it as if I weighed nothing. He let me feel the whole impact of his boney tall body. I also got into contact with his muscles underneath that pale skin when I tried to shove him away with my free hand. I did not have any success in moving him at all. He reached between us, his long fingers running along my arm until he reached my hand. Grabbing it, he fixed it above my head. The other arm soon followed and I was pinned to the wall like an insect in a box. His face still laid in the dark, framed by the curtain of his hair but I could make out a smirk on his features. For the twenty minutes or so I knew him this smile never once wavered.

Now, his entire body pressed against me and I felt more than his bones, his hard cock was rubbing against my thigh. I know now why I did not freak out at that particular moment but got all hot and heavy myself. But than, it was a completely different picture. I restrained myself from groaning, to hell with him knowing about my desire, he pissed me off for pinning me and making me look like a pussy. He leaned closer, his face next to my ear, his hard on rubbing tantalizingly against my thighs and crotch and I realised how the blood in my body started to pool in a place I never had expected it when a man was near me. Feeling his breath on my ears, I hoped for his sinful tongue to touch me, for its long, warm and wet muscle to trace down the nerves of my neck, my ear and mouth. But instead, his teeth graced my earlobe and let me shudder hard. I could not hinder the moan from tumbling from my lips. This time, I heard his smirk instead of seeing it.

'Buttercup, we both know you want me. Don't ya try to hide it. Now, let's leave for my humble abode unless ya want me to suck ya dry here.' He made sure that I was save on my feet and let go of my hands. My eyes followed his hands when he traced a strand of hair and shoved it back behind his ear. I was so transfixed by his elegant hands that I did not realise that it was the left side of his face he revealed to me. And yes, even than I was able to at least think, not say, that his hands were elegant. He crooked his head again, exactly as he did a few minutes before and watched me expectantly. And than it hit me, his eyes, his face. Even though I saw earlier that it was all masculine and straight, I now saw the symmetrical lines of his face for the first time. Until my eyes fell upon his left eye. It held a different colour, it was milky and a scar ran from his forehead over the eyebrow, eyelids and cheekbone to the middle of his cheek. It looked like somebody wanted to slice his face in two and was not able to find the middle. Even worse, he did not even care about me studying his face, his marking. At that moment, I knew I was looking at somebody who was more dangerous than everything I knew before. Not his build, not his ability to stand there in the cold with thin closing, not the darkness surrounding him and escaping him or the fact that he got to me faster than I have seen anybody move before. No, only this eye made me realise that I might find more markings under his clothes. The disturbing part was, I was not even the slightest bit terrified. Yes, I was afraid but I would never say that, even threatened with my life, but not terrified. I also realised how extremely hard I was for this man and that shit happened for the first time in my life.

Once he saw the dawning and resolve on my face, he took a few steps back and turned around.

'Let's go, it's getting cold, babe.' And with that I followed him.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

**I hope you enjoyed it, please review with any ****criticism you can give. And thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

Hi, sorry for the late update but it's a bit longer and I hope you like it!

Dear Guest reviewer: Thank you so much!

Disclaimer: everything I stated for the first chapter already.  
Warning: a small lemon for your reading pleasure. Or not ;)

* * *

The ride to his apartment went silently. He didn't talk except giving me directions. It was fairly near but still, it was one of the most awkward rides I have ever joined. The silence was deafening and more depressing than the time my brother ran away.

Even though, I never planned to go home with a guy, or to go home with another person at all, I expected it to be a bit different. More emotion, more desire. Instead, it seemed as if I were just business as usual for him with his mumbled instructions.

Once thinking about that, I looked at him. To my surprise, he was staring at me intently. I was miffed that I didn't realise it earlier. It seemed as if he was stripping me with his eyes and it turned me on, my dick stirring in my pants. The motherfucker just had something on him, which made me wish more than my tame housewife that night. My musings let a bit of the built up tension dispense, at least on my side of the car. And soon enough he chuckled. His deep voice was caressing my ears and sending electric shocks down my spine. How did he do that?

"You can pull over, we're here." And just like that, he broke my horny height and brought me back to earth.

The building was how I expected it, exactly how everything was in the neighbourhood. Five stories, the halls visible and open and the flats had most probably nothing more than one or two bedrooms. I guessed it didn't even have running water and electricity.

"The top floor, naturally the nicest view over my kingdom." As we stepped into the hall, he navigated me to a door next to the lift by pushing me in front of him. Nice, the fucking lift was only for decoration purposes.

"Look at the stairs as a means to get ya all hot and bothered before I start with ya." He whispered into my right ear after I took the first step. We ware the same height now. I turned my head and saw him leering at me, his eyes wandering down my spine to my ass. His look felt like a soft touch on my skin, goose bumps rose where his eyes were beforehand.

"Ya wanna suck me here already? If not, move it, honey." He reminded me that we still had five floors to conquer. Where I felt sweetly touched by his leer his hands felt everything but soft on me and his loud and obnoxious way of talking just ruined every good feeling I had had before. I felt annoyed with him but more so with myself. How was it possible that I still was fucking curious even though I was around a bigger asshole than myself? And how did he make me go with him even though he turned me on and off again so fast that I was getting dizzy from his behaviour?

No name on the door. That was the first thing I realized when we arrived in the hall leading to his flat. But than, most of the doors did not have any signs on them in the hall, except the marks of dirt and age. He let us into his flat saying something I didn't listen to, I expected something in the direction of "where I'll blow your mind away" or "fuck you until your raw".

* * *

I immediately landed in a room looking empty or minimalistic for all purposes. He didn't care about decorations, personal things, or a TV for that matter. The only things in the living room were an old black leather couch, a table with two chairs in one corner right next to a kitchenette and a music system on another table at the opposite wall. How could a person live like that. I wondered while taking off my shoes and wandering into the room.

I expected him to come on to me the second he closed the door, but he didn't. Instead, he barked at me to sit down if I wanted to. I was surprised but sat down on the couch anyway. He rummaged through his fridge and handed me a beer. He left the room than through one of the three doors. Left alone, my curiosity came through. I made my way straight to the music system and put my beer down and grabbed for the iPod, the only personal thing in his whole flat so far. I could picture him already, in his dark clothes, in the dark, listening to heavy metal. Thinking back to his behaviour in the car, I was reminded of the fact, that even I might not have been something personal.

Not wanting to think too deep in the nagging feeling, I turned it on and saw the title he played last. Surprised by it, I couldn't stop myself from laughing loudly and hitting play.

Hey, slow it down, whataya want from me?

Whataya want from me?

Yeah, I'm afraid, whataya want from me?

Whataya want from me?

There might have been a time when I would give myself away

Oh, once upon a time, I didn't give a damn

But now, here we are, so whataya want from me?

Whataya want from me?

The lights turned off and I led the iPod drop down on the table. I saw him standing in the door, the lights from what I now saw as a bathroom, were illuminating him from behind. Again. Even with the bad pop music in the background, I was reminded of how easy he handled me back at the pub. Of how fast he moved, of how his left eye looked like, of how dangerous he was and how hard he made me just because of that. This time, the lights were brighter and casting an even darker side to him. He was a shadow.

He did not come over but went straight to the couch. The song was switching when I remembered that I was still staring at him. But he locked his gaze with mine. It was impossible for me to say anything or look away. He pushed the hair out of his face and the movement let my gaze travel over his fingers, raking over the silky black strands and back to his eyes. The scars didn't infect my hard on at all, they just increased my heartbeat. I wanted him even though I didn't even liked him or knew him for that matter.

"Come here." Just those two words, they brought me out of my reverie. I sat down next to him. Not touching him, I needed him to make the first step. This was so completely out of my league, comfort zone or however you wanted to describe it. I squirmed right next to him until he reached for my chin and moved my head so that I was looking at him again. His hand fell to the back of the couch. So much for touching and starting something. _You're not a fucking virgin! Get a grip on yourself!__  
_

"Should I, I don't know, take a shower? Take off my clothes, do -" My eyes pleaded with him to say something. This staring was doing bad things to my brain, which was already working on almost no blood supplies. He shook his head, a wide grin on his lips. I knew he wanted to laugh about my idiotic babbling but he kept himself together. I smoothly played the virgin card. I felt so stupid I couldn't believe he put up with me. I wanted to hit him and me.

"Relax." This time he rumbled so silently I thought nobody was ever able hit those tunes. I was about to fuck with a stranger, a man at that and he wanted me to relax. I smirked at that, stupid idea. I wanted to hit this stupid twig, hard. But instead, I let my eyes rake over his body and back to his face.

He never looked away from me, and I realised that the grin had left his features. The frown, which seemed etched into his features was gone as well. Now, he seemed, younger, less frightening and so much easier on the eye. I marvelled over his pale skin and his eyes. Those eyes which weren't leaving mine. My breathing slowed down and I heard him huff and felt his breath on my skin from our close proximity. Still no touching but his eyes bore into me, it felt as if burning torches were running over my body and setting me in flames. He was caressing my skin with every breath he took. I felt as if thousands of hands were caressing me at the same time. It was demanding and it was exciting. I moved my upper body in his direction, wanted him to see more of me, see everything of me. His eyes were a siren singing a dangerous song to me. I removed my jacket and dropped it to the floor, my fingers ran over my arms, imitating what I wished him to do. I opened the buttons of my shirt and threw it to the floor soon afterwards. He hadn't really touched me since the pub and here I was stripping for him. But I did the right thing, his breath hitched when he saw my skin and he was thrown into action.

His hands felt cold to my hot skin, cooling it down. It was perfect. He started with my arms, ran his fingers over my shoulders and down my torso again. They followed each dip and curve of my muscles and moved until they were on my nipples. He pinched them hard and pulled me into his lap. I straddled him, the first time in my life I ever did that, and felt his hard on press against mine. It was so hot and so good, I groaned. He smirked again, his right hand still playing with my left nipple while the other one moved slow circles onto my lower back. I wanted to feel more, I ground hardly into him, while my hands moved to touch his hair. My moves made him moan and lough at the same time.

His hot breath ghosted over my face and I wanted to kiss him. Feel his lips and his tongue on mine. Gripping his face I moved mine nearer to him. But instead of feeling those soft and rosy looking lips on my, he shoved me back.

"No kissin', kitty. 's not my style." I was offended but when I felt his breath near my ear, I forgot about it. He tongued my earlobe, bit into it softly. I stifled the moan in danger to tumble from my lips. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me so soon. But my plan didn't work out. I heard him chuckle, while he tugged at my nipple again and his other hand grabbed me through the thick material of my pants. I couldn't stop the loud groan.

"Yeah, let me here ya." His command was my wish.

"Oh, fuck-" His tongue laved my neck, he didn't suck or bite and somewhere in my head my brain was thanking him for that.

I brought my hands up and wove them in his hair, since I couldn't kiss him, I had to touch him somehow. I licked over his earlobe, took it between me lips and started nibbling and sucking on it. When I heard him sucking in the air and moaning lowly under me, I had to grip him harder before throwing him down and fucking that wide mouth of his.

My violent way of working against my instincts brought an even louder moan from his lips. I even felt the rumbling go through his body. That was sign enough for me, he loved it as dirty as I did. I gripped his hair again and yanked his face away from my neck. It was not surprising, to hear him groan and looking at me lustfully. I didn't know what exactly I was doing, but I did it right.

His hands snapped to my fly and opening it in lightening speed. I threw caution to the wind and bit into his neck, the place where his neck and his shoulder met, hard. He panted under me, his finger trembling while they eased my dick out of my briefs. Knowing what an impact this had on him, I knew I would most probably be already leaking. And true to myself, when I moved a bit away from him and looked down I saw pre-cum running down my shaft.

I saw his fingers moving, collecting the drops and I followed them when he moved them all the way back up to his face.

"Shit." He wouldn't, would he? Nobody had tasted my cum in the last years but this stranger was doing it. His long tongue snaked out and he licked the drop off it, purring while he was tasting me. This small action made me so hard, I wondered why I didn't come immediately. He winked at me, before pulling said finger into his mouth and sucking on it just a few times. The obscene movement left me throbbing hardly and a small whimper escaped my lips. With a plop his finger was released before he turned us around, shoving me into the back of the couch while him kneeing in front of me.

He yanked on my pants and removed them, along with my briefs. I was naked while he was still completely clothed, but I didn't care. Seeing him on his knees between my legs was enough for me to not care about anything. He stretched himself upwards and let his tongue lave on my collarbone, licking downwards to my nipple. I realised that his tongue was pierced when he pressed the hot metal against my left nub. I panted already above him, hoping that he wouldn't stop there but went down on me entirely. My hands were gripping the cushion when his right hand started to rub circles into my thighs. I groaned and hissed when I felt him biting into my nipple. This mouth was dangerous. He moved away from it and let his tongue go on the same journey, his fingers undertook the first time I dropped my shirt. My muscles quivered under the wet appendage ghosting over the skin. I hissed and bit into my lip, it was everything which kept me from pushing him down on myself. But he seemed too content to ignore my penis. I couldn't have that. Gripping his hair again, I yanked his head up so that he could look at me.

"Suck me, now!" He stilled completely. I knew I was aggressive, maybe too aggressive.

I felt and heard him panting and moaning loudly again, maybe not. He ground his straining member into the couch. I smirked at his reaction and shoved his face down into my lap. Gripping my thighs, his tongue swept over my shaft. I held his head and let his hair ghost through my fingers while I tried to reign in my excitement. It wouldn't do for me shooting off before he really touched me.

"I said suck me!" I repeated when he was still only licking over the underside of my dick. He shuddered under my hands and for emphasis I shoved my dick a bit more into his face. He groaned lowly before opening his lips and letting me inside. I felt like bursting immediately. Gripping his hair harder, I pushed deep into him. I didn't care if he needed time to adjust, I needed his mouth. I hadn't felt this for over four years, give a man a break.

But instead of gagging, he whined under my brutality, and started fumbling my sack with his cool fingers. I was in heaven and not too far away from coming. His lips tightened around my shaft and he moved his lips up and down, every so often sucking on my tip and laving the slit with his piercing. It drove me crazy and I knew I would never forget that piercing ever again. I was gripping him harder, trying to get deeper into his mouth and he let me move. He let me fuck his face while he looked up to me, a slightly pleading look on his face and moaned around my cock. Until his eyes closed again and he sucked me in, hard. I went in deeper than before and he swallowed around me. The constricting walls of his throat all the more exhilarating. I was ready to come right there.

"Argh…fuck, I'm coming." I panted hardly while I watched how his hollowed cheeks moved around my dick. He swallowed a few more times, but before I was able to shoot my junk, he let me plop out of his mouth. Working his long fingers hardly over the now wet skin and holding my member right in front of his face. I groaned deeply as I realised what he wanted me to do. There was the pulling sensation in the lower part of my stomach and my thighs until it snapped, hot blood rushed through my body and I released my orgasm into his face.

I couldn't believe that that just happened. I panted harshly above him, and felt embarrassed when I saw how much of me landed on his face and in his hair. I realised he came just about than when I saw his body rocking hardly against the couch and his face scrunched together before a look of pure bliss made it's way on his features. I liked his relaxed face; he almost looked handsome. I let him free, letting my arms fall to my sides.

As soon as he reigned in his breathing, he opened his eyes and watched me intently. I smirked down on him. I should have felt bad for him, I was way to selfish but the look on his face kept me from thinking that way. Instead, he surprised me even more. His fingered gathered the cum from his face and, exactly what he did earlier, he licked it from said fingers. A shudder ran down my whole body and I groaned loudly at the display in front of me.

"Fuck." I wasn't able to say more but I knew he understood me. A ringtone interrupted our shared silence. He jumped to his feet, as if he wasn't spent from our activities and yanked his phone out of his pocket. Frowning at me, almost looking irritated with my presence, he answered the call.

"Hello." That was definitely not what I expected him to say when picking up the phone. I expected something else, a rude remark, anything. But not that straight forward word. I didn't hear the other person but apparently they were talking.

"Understood. Goodbye." That was it, without any further ado, he hung up and put his phone back. He looked stressed and on edge. Something went wrong but I couldn't think what exactly. I couldn't think, full stop. But soon enough, my clothes were shoved into my lap and he turned on the light. When did he move again? I shouldn't be so out of it, I had sex just a few weeks ago. It wasn't quiet as intensive as this, but still. He yanked his iPod form the sound system and moved around the couch to get to another room. Before he opened the door, he looked over his shoulder at me. His frown deeply set into his features. His eyes glinting with a malice, I haven't seen so far. I was afraid and on my way to become terrified. Thinking back at how he looked in the darkness, I realised that I feared him more in the light.

"I'll change and ya're out of here when I come back. Nice meeting ya and stuff. Have a nice life." That said, he left the room. I was perplexed. That didn't happen, did it? Just a minute ago, he was sucking of my sperm from his fingers and now I felt as if he would kill me if I didn't leave in time. I threw on my clothes and waited for a second. Clearly, he didn't want to talk for me. So why did I have the need to stay around? When I heard the door opening again, I was already at his door.

"I'm gone, don't complain and see ya never again." My good mood from being sucked was gone. Nobody should feel like that after an orgasm, ever. I didn't hear him but I felt him when he shoved me into the door. His arms hold mine to the door and his mouth was next to my ear. It didn't feel as arousing as it did earlier. Not at all, even his hot breath on my skin let only cold showers run down my spine.

"Nobody likes whiny bitches. Now, leave before I hurt ya." Something hard, really hard, pressed against my lower back. I was sure it was not his dick, it had a different feel to it. Fuck, was that? NO! He didn't point it at me, but with him shoving me so tightly into the wall, I could feel the muscles under his skin. He had shoved something in the front right side of his pants what felt extremely close to a gun. I nodded, too afraid that my voice would betray me. He let me go and yanked the door open. As soon as I was outside, it was closed again. There I stood, terrified and shivering. But that wasn't the bad part, the bad part was, I was hard, again. Fuck!

* * *

Leave me out with the waste

This is not what I do

It's the wrong kind of place

To be thinking of you

It's the wrong time

For somebody new

It's a small crime

And I've got no excuse

Once I arrived at home, I couldn't get myself to leave my car. I didn't know how I made it so far. But I was neither angry or afraid anymore. I didn't know his name and would never see him again. It was stupid to think further into it, that is, what I told myself.

The radio was playing one of those over-sensitive songs while I was sitting in the darkness and waiting for the courage to go inside. I hated the song but I was neither able to switch the channel nor turn it off. The lyrics were penetrating my head. Did I do something wrong? Hell no, my wife didn't give a flying shit about us as long as I did avoided conflicts. And as far as I understand, getting your brains sucked out of you is not a conflict in itself or for her. But still, my stomach clenched by the prospect of going inside and facing her.

Rain spattered softly against the windows, the drops light as feathers, just gracing the smooth surface of the white car finish. My eyes followed them, I tried to think about anything but her or him right then. I wished I could wash myself away just like that. I knew that that was not happening but it would have made things so much easier.

Stepping inside through the side door, I heard the TV running in the background. She was awake, and here I had hoped she was already asleep. To spend more time, I took off my shoes and socks, appreciating the feeling of the cool marble under my bare feet. They slowed my thinking, making me feel a bit more grounded. I let out a huge sigh and decided to get a beer before the inevitable meeting. My eyes took in the whole kitchen, pots and plates all over the counter. I despised it and foregoing my initial plan, I started to clean up the mess. I piled the filthy and greasy crockery and pots into the dishwasher, keeping my thoughts entirely focussed on the issue at hand. After wiping down any surface available to me, my gaze switched to the window.

Again fascinated with the water on glass, I soon focused my eyes on my reflection. I doubted the person I was seeing. This stunningly handsome man, a god amongst men, was that me? And if it was how could it feel so wrong?

Lightening struck outside and my image was wiped for a second, long enough to surprise me and drop the damp cloth onto my bare feet. Soon thunder followed, and I realised that the noise I made with cleaning up the kitchen should have been enough to get her attention. I picked up the cloth, threw it into the sink and made my way to find her. Even though I wasted as much time as I could I knew that I couldn't be a coward. I loved to take short cuts, to go the easy way but I have never been a coward.

The dining table was stuffed with plates full of food I knew I didn't like. Weird concoctions nobody ever would be able to eat but my heart clenched nonetheless. She cooked for me, set the table. She was definitely waiting for me. The lights in the adjourning living room were dimmed down and she was lying on the huge couch, her long honey blonde hair all over the place.

There was a time I loved that colour, and standing there, seeing her like that, I was absolutely sure, I still loved it. The hair, about her, not so much. I held some affection for her. But her ditzy behaviour in the stark contrast to her looks kept me from really falling for her. It was a huge turnoff. Thinking back I realised that in order to to sleep with her, I had to bully her into keeping her mouth shut during the fucking. Another thunder broke the dull TV sounds but nothing loud enough to wake her up. Even in her sleep she tended to be oblivious of her surroundings.

I turned off the TV and regarded her more, wondering if I should wake her, when I heard her muttering. The voice low and nice on the ears, compared to her normal high pitch voice. But even though the sound was soothing enough and intriguing me to wake her, the words she was muttering caught up to me.

"Grimmjow-" I was stunned speechless and true to the weird situation, my mouth was gaping open. She was apparently dreaming about me. Running my hands over my face and through my hair hardly, I tried to decide what to do, where to go from here. I wanted to punch something, hurt somebody.

"Grimmjow, don' leave me-" Again and she started to stir. I was shocked into action. I couldn't bear to be around her, listen to those words and see her slightly frowned face. I always knew she liked me, that she had a crush on me. But I thought it would have stopped after all those years.

* * *

I ran all the way to our bedroom, crashed into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. Sliding down said door, I sat on the now black graphite floor. I needed space, time, anything.

I dropped my head into my hands and not for the first time that night, I wished I didn't stop by that pub. I wished I went home straight away. And I wished I didn't do what I did. Thoughts about Twiggy and his tongue flashed back to me. I was so good in not thinking about it for the better part of the last hour and here I was. Sitting on the cold, black floor, in my bathroom, behaving like a chick in her teens over some stupid crush but even the dark tiles reminded me of that stupid fucker who's name I still didn't know. I slid one of my hands over the smooth surface, letting my fingers brush the deep black surface just so. Pictures of my hands in his hair came flashing back. Vivid to the extent that my dick stirred into action. Damn, I needed to get a new bathroom.

"Grimmjow? Are you there? You came back so late but I made dinner. It's a surprise, something special just for our anniversary! I'll heat it up and get you something to drink. I have to tell you good news. I already invited papa and mama for the weekend. You're fine with it, aren't you? -" Oh my good, my mad dash to the bathroom must have woken her completely. And now I had her chatting away as if nothing had happened. Wait, what did she say?

"- Grimmjow, are you alright?" I heard her close to the door, trying the handle. I was so lucky that I thought about the lock in my craziness.

"Yeah, Orihime, I'm fine. Let me take a quick shower and I'll be right downstairs." She kept on talking but I ignored her. My head spun more than before, she had said anniversary. Did I really forget that? I never did before, even though there were no feelings, at least there was respect. I learned from my parents to always have respect for your partner. And I always was true to that rule.

I decided it was best to get the shower over with, especially since my dick refused to get flaccid again in spite of the whole episode. Dropping out of my clothes, I regarded myself in the mirror. Normally, I loved to see myself, I looked spectacular, nobody could argue against that, but that day something was missing. It felt wrong to look at myself.

I stepped into the glass cabin and tried not to focus on the missing part in my life, while the hot water run down my body. I rubbed off, just mechanically, to get rid of the smaller problem instead of facing the bigger one.

Once I was done, I was standing in front of the mirror again. Him and me, we didn't do much, not even kiss. Why did I feel so bad about it? But, nonetheless, I was there, worrying about it. I couldn't stand my own reflection anymore but I was obsessed to find any signs he might have left on me. There were none, at least on my skin. Without dropping my gaze I reached for my toothbrush. I needed to get myself cleaned of anything that happened that night.

Instead of grabbing the brush, I knocked the glass over and everything clattered to the side and rolled to the floor. Perfect, exactly what I needed. I yanked a new toothbrush from the cabinet and was about to drop the package in the dustbin when I saw something white glinting in there.

I dropped the things I hold in my hands, who cared about something as a toothbrush when the world came crushing down on you. My world was destroyed, it was over, completely over. I stood there for moments, seconds, minutes, hours, lifetimes, I didn't know and I didn't care. All I knew was that I wanted to see him again even if that meant to spread my legs for him. It was my primal need before my life would end completely.

* * *

I thought about calling him but that was not possible. How could I be so stupid? I didn't ask for his name, neither for his number. I was mad when he threw me out but I thought I would not have the desire to see him again anyway. Now, everything has changed. I kept walking through our bedroom, putting some clothes on in the meantime and pondered if I could get away with a business trip. That couldn't work out, architecture was not fit for night times SOS calls, but I was in dire need of an emergency, some kind of incident. I felt stressed and I ran around the bed like a trapped panther in his cage. I feared for her coming back, for her good news.

The ringing of my phone interrupted my thought process, Yylfordt's signal. Too loud for me in that moment, I thought about ignoring it, but an idea flashed my mind.

"I need your help." I whispered into the phone, hoping that Orihime was still downstairs.

"Hello to you, too. Grimm, what's going on?" His normally smooth voice sounded a bit high.

"I need you to call me in 5 minutes again, telling me there was an emergency and I have to come over to yours or whatever."

"What kind of emergency? What are you talking about?" I heard rustling and was pretty sure Yylfordt was lying in his bed, surrounded by satin. He loved luxury items and apparently, dark satin sheets were the top of luxury for him. Stupid brat.

"Just do so and I'll tell you later!" I disconnected the call, I was sure he would be able to pull it off. He was an actor, acted to be gay for the world to see. He had told me, it was easier if his patrons thought he was gay. Now, I just needed myself to get a grip and act myself out of this dinner.

* * *

Once I arrived at the dining table, Ylford called me. I put on the worst annoyed face I could manage in the circumstances. Just to let her think I was irritated by the interruption.

"Grimmjow, you don't need to get that. Ignore him for once." She didn't like Yylfordt very much. I figured she was jealous of our good relationship or she just hated gay men, she didn't know Yylfordt was as straight as an arrow.

"I can't ignore it. He is my brother after all!" Ignoring her pleading eyes, I put my phone back to my ear. "Bro, you know it's kinda late?"

"Grimm, there is an emergency!" He properly yelled it into my ear. I had to drag the phone away and I was tasked with stifling a barking laugh. That was Yylfordt, all over the top, even without any clue on why he was doing it.

"What happened?" I knew Orihime was listening and trying to find out what was going on. To be fair, it would have been impossible for her to not hear Yylfordt's outburst.

"It's one of my patrons, he kept stalking me. Tonight, it felt weird, like I was watched. And just now, I saw shadows behind me on my way back. He was following me around. I don't know what to do, Nii-San, come and help me!" I had to turn away from Orihime than, to hide my smirking face. Leave it to him to have a perfect story ready for this, stupid perfect drama queen. He was amusing me in my worst moment.

"I'm on my way, don't open the door! I have my keys!" While shouting the comments into the phone, I already made my way to the back door, finding my shoes ready to leave. Without putting anything else on me, I went out in the now heavy rain. Orihime right behind me. I knew I forgot about something. She didn't say anything, she was standing there and waiting for me. Waiting, again.

"Sorry, babe. Yl has a stalker and needs my help. Don't wait for me, I'll stay over at his tonight." I raised my hand to usher her inside. Her doe eyes where fixed on me, huge and relentlessly staring. Without words, she was able to inflict a feeling of horror into me.

"Ok, Grimmjow. Have a good night." She raised to her toes and gave me a peck on the cheek. The skin burned but not as it had earlier today when I my skin was touched by _his _eyes. No, this burning was different, cold and completely bad. I endured the short contact and made my way back to my car.

* * *

Driving down the roads into the city, I figured it would be the best to really see Yylfordt. I should not indulge into my desires too much.

Yylfordt lived, compared to my perfect suburban life, in the heart of the hippest district of Karakura. The stupid idiot loved to have people around him, loved the colours of the advertisements, the lights, the noise. And here I was, facing the end of my life and wishing for some peace and quiet to think, on my way to visit him.

His house was one of the old brick ones, he let the store to a designer and lived in the two floors above it. I remembered when he bought it, it was nothing more than a dark, wet and dirty hole. Now, it was still looking shady from the outside but I knew the inside was perfect. I designed the constructions, the open space, the glass roof and adjoining roof deck a few years back. It was my first design, initially planned for a different kind of house but once he saw it, he wanted me to implement it into the house.

First, I didn't want to share that with him. It was mine; I wanted to build my own luxury palace out of it, my bachelor pad. But soon, everything changed and I decided it was best to give into his wish. So, at least one of us was able to live the dream. And I felt it was only fair to give it as a present to Yylfordt. He left home when he was 16, dropped out of school and started as a stripper in gay bars, I needed to support him in every way he needed me. Now, he owned two bars, one strip club and I was pretty sure that he had his fingers in some kind of escort service but he wouldn't tell me about it.

Nonetheless, walking into said flat, I was happy I did build it for him. I had something to come home to.

* * *

"Howdy, _Nii-san_!" I hadn't seen him in weeks but still, seeing his smiling face was enough to take some of the pressure off of me. Exactly, how his stupid comments worked earlier. He put two bottles of beer on the table and opened his arms. Stupid little needy dimwit.

"Howdy? You some kind of cowboy now?" I hugged him before I let myself drop into his cushioned sea of a couch.

"Cowboys work great in stripping, you've never known?"

"No, sorry, but you're not stripping anymore, are ya?" He pushed one of the bottles into my hand and dropped right next to me. After a bit of shuffling, he laid his head into my lap. It was surprising to say it, but him stripping looks great. He is a great dancer, so extremely flexible that it is almost hurting to look at it. The problem was, as his big brother, I always wanted to protect him. Once, I started a bar fight after one of the patrons touched him. He was my little kitten and I could allow the stares but not the touches of other men.

"No, but we're having a rodeo night tomorrow. You want to come and watch?" Right now, I loved him more than I ever loved him before. He knew I would talk when I was ready, until than he kept distracting me with stupid stuff. My hand made its way into his long strands and I started to draw small circles on his head. He groaned loudly and told me about his busy days from managing three different establishments. I didn't listen to him very much, I was focussed on my beer, the soft feel of his hair and the thoughts of Orihime. She once told me that she thought our relationship was to intimate for brothers and that she would me rather not touching him like that. When she told me, I was angry for days with her. I knew we were affectionate to each other, but we weren't in love or anything. I never desired him and he never desired me. We just liked the closeness between us, it was familiar, it was how we defined family for us. Stupid bitch, didn't know what she was taking about.

"I hooked up with a guy tonight." Without thinking about it, I interrupted him in his musings about some kind of thing or the other. In the blink of an eye, he raised himself and stared me down. Frowning deeply, he laid his head to the side. I didn't know why but I was waiting for his reaction, needed his judgement, his blessing that it was still all right. My heart stopped beating as he gave me a once over again, before a wide smile broke his handsome face into two.

"I knew you were gay!" He threw himself into me, hugging me and kissing my forehead. And just like that, he reanimated me. I was trembling in his arms, I was afraid of him telling me off for what I did, for the person I did it with. But he didn't do anything like that. He just accepted me.

"I wouldn't say gay. I'm perfectly sure not gay, I have a wife and all." I pointed out the inevitable and brought my thought back to the other problem I had.

"Shut up, the wife is not a relevant factor but to make you happy, you're bi than. Whatever, I don't care what you are, I just care to have every detail of the guy you fucked!" Sniggering, he grabbed his own bottle and took a long gulp.

"I don't know his name. He picked me up in one of those pubs downtown where we're constructing the new mall. He was huge!" Yylfordt loughed out loud at that.

"I didn't know you're the uke! Wow, brother, you're faster in progressing than I thought!"

"Uke? What is that?" I thought I must have said something stupid because he was holding his stomach, still loughing loudly.

"It's not funny, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Leave it to you, to get your brains fucked out by a guy and not knowing anything about the whole community! The Uke is the one getting it up his ass." The last part let me do something which I thought was impossible for me. I blushed. Hearing my brother being that crass reminded me, of how I was pampered I during the last few years.

"I didn't - we didn't - it wasn't like that-" Great, no, I even started to stammer. Getting a grip of myself and ignoring my giggling brother, I downed the rest of the beer before I started to speak again.

"He sucked me off, nothing else happened. He had to leave, literally threw me out. I didn't even see him naked."

"But how could you say he is huge? Get a good ol' grope in, eh?" He had way too much fun to see me blushing and at a loss for words.

"No, it wasn't- Argh, for fucks sake, I meant he was tall. He is taller than me!" I nearly shouted over his outburst of puffy giggles. He recovered soon after that and snuggled up to me again, taking my hand and playing with it.

"So, ya sayin', you made out and let him blow you? That definitely screams gay to me. You must be turned on to get it up for that." His finger movements left a soothing trail on my skin and I moved around until I could lay my head into his lap, asking for more in this way. Soon, his fingers found their ways into my short hair. It was the most soothing thing, which somebody could ever do to me.

"I don't know, maybe. Whatever, that is not the problem. What do I do with Ori-" He tugged my hair harshly and I hissed under the pull.

"You know rule number one in my house!"

"Yeah, whatever." I tried to get away from his hands but that was a stupid idea. He tucked again, harder this time.

"Say it!"

"Rule number one: Never mention the bitch's name!" His wording of rule number one, not mine. But it appeased him and he waved his fingers back into soothing motions.

"You don't do anything about her. You didn't do anything to begin with. How long has it been that she did that to you? It's not cheating if you basically don't do anything. Everything you receive is just a given present to you!" His logic was unbeatable and extremely screwed. Were we really raised by the same parents? I smirked at that, I liked his approach to cheating. I shouldn't have because I knew I shouldn't take relationship advise from somebody who never had an actual relationship.

"She has never done that! Gosh, I wouldn't even be able to ask for that. Getting her to shut up during the sex was enough for the time being. But you see, there is something else."

"What else can there be? Do you want to see him again?" His arms dropped to his side, he was leaning forward, curiosity drawn all over his face.

"Actually, I do. But I can't, it would just disrespect her." I stood up and walked to his bar. The beer was nice and all but I needed something stronger. It would not only disrespect her, I was pretty sure, he never wanted to see me again. And I was afraid of seeing him again, ever.

Jameson's in one hand and two glasses in the other, I made my way back to the couch. He just watched me, as if I was a rare almost extinct animal and I would flee the second he moved or made a noise. I did not know why he had that look on his face but I was afraid of it. Normally, he knew that I would never flee from him, or anything for that matter. I drowned two glasses and loved the burning sensation in my throat.

Not looking at him, I poured another glass. I've come this far. I knew he wouldn't judge me, and he would wait until I was ready to tell him everything. Knowing this, I thought again about my evening. Yes, I wanted to see the man again, I wanted to do it at least once, I didn't even care about me being the bottom, I would spread my legs in the blink of an eye. I realised that earlier in that bathroom.

I was reminded of what I saw in that bathroom and my desire to run wild just once afterwards. But in deciding to go to my brother I made my decision for this stupid fake marriage and against adultery or me dying a slow and painful death by the look on his face.

It still made me feel nauseous, I wanted to throw up but in the same moment I wanted to punch, hit, kick, just destroy something. It was killing me to keep everything inside. It was unfair to me, I did exactly what was expected from me and just this one time I left the path, I would be punished severely? It was not fair.

In my frustration, I gripped the glass too hard, it broke in my hands. I did not care about it, not about the small cuts, the blood tripping down, not the burning feeling from the whiskey on the skin, nothing. Belated, I realised, that hot wet drops were falling on my hands as well. I was crying, for the first time in a lifetime.

"She is pregnant."

* * *

Songs: Adam Lambert: Whataya want from me; Damien Rice: 9 crimes

Thanks for reading, again. I know they are OOC, all of them. But it just fits better at the moment, especially Grimmjow until he becomes what he is.


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